Dear Abel & Sofi: *Ex-Stripper Fears Exposure* -- How can an exotic dancer turned party planner handle awkward encounters with former fans?
About Dear Abel and Sofi: While our Q&A Forum addresses 1,000+ public questions weekly, we wanted to give our small business owners an outlet to anonymously share the kinds of frustrations, fears and private struggles few people express openly. Father-daughter duo Abel and Sofi co-author the column, bringing diverse perspectives to both professional and personal problems. A serial entrepreneur and counselor, Abel, 65, is known for his empathy and his uncanny understanding of many issues. Co-owner of a salon, Sofi, 28, has a younger, more candid approach to life’s challenges. To submit your anonymous questions, click here.
Dear Abel & Sofi,
I have a dilemma I’m not sure who to talk with about, so I’m giving you a try.
For 25 years, I was an exotic dancer and eventually I aged out of the profession. Soon after, I became a husband and Dad, quickly settling into a much more normal life (Thank God!). Because I couldn’t really get a job listing “stripper” or “exotic dancer” on my resume, I took some of my savings and started my own store that throws birthday and graduation parties for kids. (My boy is a third-grader and he brings in a lot of birthday party business for us).
Though I relocated 100 miles away from where I was a dancer, one of the ladies who used to go to our club brought her daughter into my store the other day. She definitely recognized me, based on the shocked look on her face. Luckily, she was polite and didn’t say anything. We went on with our conversation, but it was pretty awkward. Actually, really awkward.
We’re in a small community where gossip spreads quickly and I’m not sure if she’ll spread the word or not. That said, I’m anticipating that someone else might recognize me or someone might hear a rumor about me and ask about it – in person or online.
Maybe I’m worrying about it unnecessarily, but I’d like to get your advice about what I should tell someone who actually asks. Or if I should have handled this situation better.
I appreciate any help you could give me.
- Dancing Around My Past
Abel:
Dear Dancing – Thanks so much for your candid and very interesting note. I can understand your worries and want to assure you that most people 35 and over have something from the past that they wish would just stay there.
While many folks reading this note have not disrobed for a living, they’ve probably done other things that they’d rather not expose. And I can think of at least a dozen middle-aged men who would probably love to hear highlights about all of the women you met while you were at the clubs.
That said, here’s my advice if you encounter another woman who watched you dance from the good old days. Be your regular, pleasant self. And act like it’s no big deal that she’s recognizing a guy who used to be a young stripper and is now a middle-aged Dad.
Try to be as cool as a cucumber, if you can. Channel that guy who obviously had no trouble letting it all hang out back at the clubs. But this time use your charm, maturity and sense of humor to get through the situation.
Now, if she actually asks you if you’re the same guy from the clubs several years ago, I would be honest. I would say yes, but that was so long ago. Emphasize that now you’re a very settled family man spending time with your wife and son, running a party planning business.
Packaging everything together in a quick statement should tell her everything she needs to know -- that you are both unavailable and in a totally different phase of life.
Let’s hope she’s in a more sedate phase of life, too, at this point. In the rare instance that any of these women would push it further to ask if you might want to relive old times, you can politely note that you’re much happier in the present.
If anyone gossips behind your back, there’s not much you can do about that. However, if anyone says anything on social media that’s derogatory, we can tackle that in a separate post.
Just continue to keep providing a great party planning service and move on to your much brighter and stable future.
Sofi, what are your thoughts?
Sofi:
Dancing 🕺- Even if people do find out about your exotic dancing days, don't sweat it. It was a fun, exciting part of your story from years ago and I am sure people will respond with a smile and a laugh. Remember how popular the movie Magic Mike was? Just tell them to call you Channing Tatum. 😎
Call me crazy, but I’m thinking you don’t have much to worry about. It sounds like this woman’s life has changed a lot since her dollar bill throwing days. I assume she isn’t eager to spread the word that she frequented that strip club so often that she recognized one of the dancers many years later.
In the event she does spread the word or you think the rumor mill is turning, I’d be honest just as Abel suggested and remind them that it was a lifetime ago… now you’re a family man throwing a very different kind of party! 🎉
Comments (1-10)
Bare fact, SHE was a customer of the establishment where you preformed, ergo has a past of her own. To "expose" you she would also have to "expose" herself. Reminds me of a story where the town gossip accused a man of being of less that sterral character because she saw his car parked in front of a bar all night. The next night he left his car parked in front of her house all night. Problem solved!
I really like Abel's & Sofi's answers above & this conversation is very interesting. I hope everyone's opinion would be the same if the ex striper was a woman. There seems to be more of a stigma against female exotic dancers. The comments indicate that a male exotic dancer is cool & a stud and he should not be ashamed of his past (which I agree with by the way). I hope you all feel the same about female exotic dancers, and the men who frequent those clubs as well. As Abel said, we all have things in our past that we'd rather stay in the past and it's important to be accepting of everyone & not be judgmental. Thank you for reading.
You really shouldn't worry. It's a two way street. They came to watch you dance after all. The shocked looks are probably just because they are seeing you in a different element and you are more real to them in the store and a fantasy in the club. It may take some getting use to at first but you may get more business from it. These women will most likely tell their friends to go see the hot guy at the party store!
Don't sweat it! Enjoy it!
I'm not going to suggest WHAT to do, but instead talk a bit about HOW to handle it.
You should assume that sooner or later people. at least some people, will know that you were an adult entertainment dancer. And you should practice and perfect your "story" about what you were and what you are now, so when the inevitable happens and you are asked about it, you won't be awkward, you will be confident and relaxed and well-spoken as you reply.
You have already a prompt to work from, the recognition you got from a customer. So, imagine that she asks you about it, and then, speaking out loud, practice responding to her. "Yes, I was. So nice of you to remember me. I'm married and a father now, and started this business at my kid's suggestion. I hope you are doing well. You certainly look wonderful."
Now imagine her possible responses. She might want to talk about the club - unlikely but possible, and your worst case scenario, presumably. So you might practice, out loud, a response like this. "Those were fun days. But I can't reminisce with you about them now, I'm sorry to say. " And if she doesn't get the message from that, and talks inappropriately, practice a close-down statement which you hope to never use. "I'm sorry, but I have to insist. This is not the place to talk about such things. I'm working."
Once you have practiced for the extreme possibilities, you will feel better about all the range of possible encounters.
And keep practicing, out loud, while you are standing or sitting in positions like the ones you would be in if/when this happens, what you would say if this ever comes up. Practice it enough that it becomes something your body knows how to do. Even if you are startled by the event when it comes up, because you have practiced responses, you will discover that your body will take over and just answer for you the way you practiced.
This really works, and works well. And obviously, this applies to all the areas of your life, not just your business. Know that being recognized is always possible, and practice how you will handle it.
This is funny, I as a young man had danced (stripped) for 9 years and now have 2 twins 7 years old, I own 2 businesses and I am proud of the fact that I in the past had the courage to venture into that business, most people cannot do this in a professional manner and I do believe you should look at it as a positive. I do believe it shows that you have the courage to run whatever business you venture into. Cheers
First of all...be true! True to yourself and true to those who have helped (Or even hindered) the path to where you are today. You worked a job and must have done it well for this person to still remember you. Be the bigger person. Tell her and any others "Thank You!" for remembering you and "thank you" for having such a great time enjoying the entertainment that was provided her and her companions. After all, that support helped get you where you are today. Without it you could not have succeeded and been able to save money for your future. And just when you thought you'd never meet the perfect soul mate and have what she (the audience has) you met your wife. Now you are living the life you dreamed of and have beautiful children and a great business to complete it all. Being upfront and honest wards off any bullies and when you respect yourself, they will respect you. The only thing that feeds bullies and small minds is letting them get to you. Trust me, been there.
I am surprised she recognized your face.lol
Own it. Don't be afraid of your past
Be proud of who you are. Let that be something that you let shine on your resume. A 25 yr. history at any job is great. Your past has blessed you with a great future. It sounds like you've done a great job progressing through your life with many more blessings to come.
If it ever comes up, acknowledge the past honestly but add that it made you the awesome person you are now and that your lovely lady wife, with whom you are madly in love, enjoys that aspect of you in your private moments. Everybody has a backstory, and it takes an interesting story to make an interesting person. Don't be ashamed of it, you learned people skills as a dancer that have probably served you very well even now. Truthfully, I think dancing like that is something a lot of people wish they had the confidence to do; there is nothing wrong with it.